I just think its about time I let you all know how I really feel. This is being posted because I saw something on Facebook that gave me a physical reaction....almost like a dry heave. Maybe I expected too much from you all at some point and because you never measured up, I disconnected from you all emotionally but I just have to get this off my chest!
I have a relationship with 1 out of 5 of you.
Surely that tells you something. I am going to try very hard to not name call or cuss because I really want to walk in forgiveness towards you all. Here it goes....
I recognize that you all have been deeply traumatized by the actions of our father. Your childhood is full of pain, lies, manipulation and abuse. I wish I had a magic wand to go back in time and undo all of that (for all of us) but I can't. See? I don't hate you...I really don't. I just can't get behind your ways of thinking. Im sorry but I can't understand how as adults you all have not progressed any further than you have?
My mother is NOT your problem. As an adult, I have heard all your stories....over and over again. First off, they are inconsistent. I mean there's your sign, right? Ok so let me lay this out for you all. My mother found Jesus and was saved in 1977. The same year that she married our father. The same year that she chose to take you all on as step children and be the mother that you all didn't have in your lives. The only mother you had at that time because, lets try to remember it correctly, your mother chose to walk away and leave you to that monster. Yes, those are harsh words but I can't apologize for them because I am just stating the facts. Was she perfect? Good lord, no! But is anyone? I know I sure as hell ain't. She believed in discipline and you all were a bunch of disrespectful and unruly little shits so yes, you were disciplined, but you were not abused by her. And ya know what? I understand that while you are kids, things aren't really seen with clarity from a mature standpoint because you were children but as an adult, why has there been no mature "hindsight is 20/20" attitude? You're so busy placing the blame on my mother you don't see it clearly. First, my mother had different circumstances with her older 3 children and their father so you cannot compare their lives to yours. You have absolutely no idea the arrangements that were made between their father and my mother. Second, she HAD money when she met our father but he blew right through that they ended up living off of a strict budget which, for a family of 10, meant homemade haircuts, days of Mac and cheese and big pots of spaghetti. Third, was it really unfair of them to leave you at home while they took the 2 babies of the family with them to go eat or go out? Do you really think they could trust you all with us? You all couldn't be in a room together for more than 10 minutes without fighting or plotting the next "sneak out"....suuuuuure we were supposed to be safe with you. But, instead of being a mature adult and understanding the situations for what they were in reality, you have given in to the "poor pity me" syndrome and as such, the false memories are now reality for you....
ITS NOT RIGHT
So if you want to hate my mother, hate her for finding God and wanting to raise you all as christians. That doesn't mean she was a saint or she was perfect. Being a christian IS NOT A CONFESSION OF PERFECTION! It is actually a realization that you are severely flawed and need Gods help with everything! Did she make mistakes, yes! I love my kids with all of my heart and soul and I make mistakes all of the time. The bottom line is, she married a man who was abusive, unfaithful and loveless. He wanted to find a babysitter for his children...and that he did.
SHE WAS NOT AND IS NOT THE ENEMY!
Placing the blame where it lies is crucial to healing. Therefore we will tackle the real issue here....
Our father is the real culprit for the childhood abuse. He was a raging alcoholic and when that was no longer an issue, his mood swings were unstable, unexpected and brutal.
Wrapping a belt around your neck and proceeding to drag you around by that belt (even going up and down the stairs with you)...
That is abuse
Forcing you to eat your own feces
That is abuse
Using whatever weapon is around (plaque on the wall, coffee pot, loose bricks from the outside porch steps) to hit you with over and over again
That is abuse
Calling your name all excited like while youre happily playing outside (making you feel like he was going to play with you and you were so excited) only to literally kick you so hard that you flew off the porch and dang near broke your leg as you landed...
That is abuse
I could go on and on and get even more in depth but that kind of stuff should be saved for a therapist session instead so I will end it here. And I am not even going to touch on the abuse that went on because of the perversion that ran ramped in that man! Ya know what the worst part of all that is? He never claimed any of it. He was full of apologies. The "She made me do it...Im so sorry" seemed to be a theme...because he was incapable of owning up to his bad actions and would always find someone to point the finger at. He never apologized for what he was really responsible for. My mother was the easiest scapegoat and she suffered for that. See? this is part of my problem with you all. Instead of placing the blame where it lies, seeking God for help in forgiving, letting go and moving on...you all want to still live as "victims" and whats worse is that not only have you not named the real perpetrator in all of this but you actively seek his approval and long for his love and affections! He has never paid for his mistakes. He has never been made to even acknowledge his wrong-doings! He was able to make a new life built on lies and hey....thats ok because wether its in this life or on judgment day....one day this man will be held accountable for the abuse that he dealt out to his children. All of us because
You weren't the only ones, ok?
You can't apologize for something that you say you never did. Therefore, none of us have any closure from him.
You never stopped to think about what your lies did to me and my little sister, did you? You were so busy seeking out attention from everyone who would listen to your lies that you didn't even know the events you were setting into motion. And while I get that you had things whispered in your ear from other people (like your mother who was welcomed into my mothers home and then was caught *by my grandmother* in an affair with our father and she even had the audacity to tell some of you that SHE was your mother, not my mom...of course to plant seeds of discord to make my mother the enemy). You all should've been capable of knowing the truth but instead your lies separated my whole family. The lies you would run and tell his side of the family made them believe that my mother was to blame for the abuse in your lives. Maybe that was easier than admitting that one of their own was a demented narcissistic psychopath! I lost everyone I loved. I grew up closer to that family than my mothers family and after the divorce (and after the death of my beautiful grandparents), no one ever made any attempts at contacting me and my sister. Its like we no longer existed. You know why? Because my mother had taken the blame for it all and because of that, no one would reach out to her to see us. I was just a kid. How do you think it felt to lose my whole family and not understand why I wasn't wanted or loved anymore? This brings me to my final point....
The reason I am writing this is to address you without addressing you. I have tried (as an adult) to have relationships with you and you could definitely say that it blew up in my face. As a result of that, I don't feel like I can have a rational conversation with you so I am writing this open letter on my blog and maybe you'll stumble on it someday. Ive been contacted by one of you asking for a relationship. I cannot give you that.
I hope you all can understand that a relationship isn't possible for us. I forgive you all for the things that you did. I honestly believe that you weren't aware (and have lived for so long in denial that you still may not be aware) of the pain and heartache that you've inflicted on my life, my sisters life and especially my mothers life. There has been no growth or change in behavior at all and its because of that we do not and can not have a relationship. I wish you no harm in your life. We are on different paths and at different places and we clearly believe different things. I do not want my children exposed to those traumatic types of situations (like when one of you called child protective services with horrible lies about my mother abusing us when I was 12 and my sister was 7 and we were almost taken away from her AND each other because you wanted to inflict pain on my mother...thankfully they were able to tell that we were most certainly not being abused and were able to go home...it was a scary and traumatizing thing that I completely forgive you for but because of your behavior not changing and the mind sets still being the same, I won't open the door for that kind of trauma on my children...or myself for that matter)
I forgave my father a long time ago. I said my peace. I told him how I felt. I told him I forgave him. I apologized for my teenage disrespect (because no matter what, there is no excuse and 2 wrongs don't make a right) and I gave it to God. I choose to remember the good things about my father and I cherish the good things he taught me and everything else I just give to God. I feel the same for all of you. Unfortunately, I don't have any good memories with some of you but I do forgive you and any time I feel the way I felt last night when looking at a particular Facebook post, I pray and ask God to help me forgive and give it to him. Maybe you all don't realize why I feel the way I feel and maybe you don't care. This blog post was written so that I could explain without opening a new can of worms.
Im not perfect. Sometimes I see things that jog a bad memory or give me a bad taste in my mouth. Sometimes I go as far as to call my best friend and rant about it. God is continuously working on me. This Facebook post affected me because I saw some comments from an old member of that family regarding how wonderful my grandparents were and something hurt me inside. They were special people for sure. I have the best memories of them. They were faithful, spiritual people who had the most awesome sense of humor! It just triggered memories that were a little hard for me to deal with but, again...Im praying and giving it back to God.
I want to leave with one last thing....
Years ago, before her horrible and untimely death, our beautiful aunt called my mother and asked if she would come over for a visit and bring us with her. I was ecstatic because I missed her so much. She was the funniest person ever!! And her cooking....oh my goodness....YUM! but anyways, while we were there, my aunt apologized to my mom for everything that happened and she hugged her and said she knew my dad was mostly at fault for everything. That was the closure that my mom needed for sure and it helped me in my healing process as well.
I am one of his children and therefore I am one of you. I just choose to live my life going forward and growing in life rather than gripping on to the past and harboring unforgiveness and resentment. I choose to live a life of happiness and family. I am extremely blessed in this life with a circle of people who I can trust and who are my family. We work together as a team. Thats how I want my life to be. I don't let people in my circle that could disrupt the flow of family and love.
So, to answer your question, I pray that you find healing and restoration but I cannot have a relationship with you.