Thursday, August 3, 2017

We ALL have a purpose!

I am feeling the presence of God right now and I pray that you are able to pick up on it as well. Father, I ask you to guide the words that are coming forth....that whoever reads this just gets it, Father. That everyone can feel your love and your wonder and your call on our lives. To know that each one of us are deeply loved and richly cared for. All we have to do is accept it and embrace it! Let their cup runneth over with your love. In Jesus' name

Wow! I don't think Ive ever started this way but I have something on my heart that I just have to get out there. I feel as though God placed this on my heart for a reason and the fact that I can't shake it off after all this time means that Im supposed to share. The death/suicide of Chester Bennington took me by surprise. I am not here to debate on secular music right now. Please don't get caught up in judgment and miss what God is trying to tell us. 

This was a man who has battled demons his whole life. Drug and Alcohol addiction, depression and a desperate need to be loved. His sadness was so overwhelming that he took his own life. All I could think is, 'we lost one'! I cried...on a few different occasions. 


Jesus said that we have to be childlike in our faith in order to be among the best of heaven.

Think back to the song we all learned in Sunday school...
This little light of mine, Im gonna let it shine...
Hide it under a bushel, NO! Im gonna let it shine...
Wont let Satan blow it out...
(And we literally held our hand over our light as we puffed quickly to try to "put it out"

People are dying! We are allowing the devil to tear apart everything Jesus came for. WE the church are failing. Ive stumbled upon so many websites and articles of christians bashing christians. I was shocked to see "anti- Beth Moore" sites and of course you have the Joel Osteen haters. Im just thinking to myself, 'why are we tearing each other down? why are we not out there trying to save people?!?' and it makes me feel crazy. How did we get so lost??

There are people dying out there who haven't felt the unconditional love of the most amazing God! This is our job! This is what He entrusted to us. The parable of the talents shows us that we are to be working toward the reign of Christ forever in the kingdom of heaven on earth. We are commanded to be fruitful and multiply, folks! Do you know what matters? What we should all be focused on? The fact that we all believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and died and rose to save us and set us free!! 

We need to get back on our feet! Why have we become so weak? Weren't we all warned aren't we in Matthew 10:22...
"You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved."

We have chosen to be oppressed and its just time for us to stop!
We need to share Gods love. That is what moves souls to His kingdom. My husband used to be a muslim and his testimony is such a powerful one. He says that the biggest reason he knew that God was calling him to Jesus is because he felt the love. He had never felt a love like the love he received from a family of christians who didn't see him as a muslim but a child of God who just needed to be loved. 

He wants to draw near to us all and that is our divine purpose. We need to pass this information on to all these lost and hurting people who feel like there is nothing for them in life. They are struggling to understand why they are even here. Suicide has become an epidemic and I feel responsible. We ALL should! They need HIS love! We ALL need that love. And when they receive it, they can turn around and keep sharing it. We are building up His kingdom while building each other up as well. 

I pray that this blog reaches someone who is struggling. When it does, I want you to know that you have a God who created you from his own image. He loved you before you were even born. He knows the exact number of hairs on your head and he holds bottles of your collected tears. He is there for you, you just have to accept Him. He knows your pains and just like a father to his child he wants to heal your wounds. He cannot force you, you have to want it. All of the pain you endured was at the hands of people who weren't doing His will because He would never bring you pain. But he could not force them to make better decisions, they had to choose. He wants to show you that his love is unconditional and will never bring you pain. The 'thing' that you are searching for and just can't seem to find, IS HIS LOVE! Im sorry that we as the body of Christ haven't shown you the best examples of love but I am here, right now to tell you that it is there and all you have to do is accept it! 

I wish I could reach out and hug everyone who is hurting right now. Let the Holy Spirit be a blanket of peace! May you follow his voice and receive the love of God through his son Jesus Christ. 

And if you need someone to talk to or maybe even pray with, please send me an email.

Monday, July 17, 2017

To The Siblings Who I Let Go Of.....

I just think its about time I let you all know how I really feel. This is being posted because I saw something on Facebook that gave me a physical reaction....almost like a dry heave. Maybe I expected too much from you all at some point and because you never measured up, I disconnected from you all emotionally but I just have to get this off my chest!

I have a relationship with 1 out of 5 of you. 
Surely that tells you something. I am going to try very hard to not name call or cuss because I really want to walk in forgiveness towards you all. Here it goes....

I recognize that you all have been deeply traumatized by the actions of our father. Your childhood is full of pain, lies, manipulation and abuse. I wish I had a magic wand to go back in time and undo all of that (for all of us) but I can't. See? I don't hate you...I really don't. I just can't get behind your ways of thinking. Im sorry but I can't understand how as adults you all have not progressed any further than you have? 


My mother is NOT your problem. As an adult, I have heard all your stories....over and over again. First off, they are inconsistent. I mean there's your sign, right? Ok so let me lay this out for you all. My mother found Jesus and was saved in 1977. The same year that she married our father. The same year that she chose to take you all on as step children and be the mother that you all didn't have in your lives. The only mother you had at that time because, lets try to remember it correctly, your mother chose to walk away and leave you to that monster. Yes, those are harsh words but I can't apologize for them because I am just stating the facts. Was she perfect? Good lord, no! But is anyone? I know I sure as hell ain't. She believed in discipline and you all were a bunch of disrespectful and unruly little shits so yes, you were disciplined, but you were not abused by her. And ya know what? I understand that while you are kids, things aren't really seen with clarity from a mature standpoint because you were children but as an adult, why has there been no mature "hindsight is 20/20" attitude? You're so busy placing the blame on my mother you don't see it clearly. First, my mother had different circumstances with her older 3 children and their father so you cannot compare their lives to yours. You have absolutely no idea the arrangements that were made between their father and my mother. Second, she HAD money when she met our father but he blew right through that they ended up living off of a strict budget which, for a family of 10, meant homemade haircuts, days of Mac and cheese and big pots of spaghetti. Third, was it really unfair of them to leave you at home while they took the 2 babies of the family with them to go eat or go out? Do you really think they could trust you all with us? You all couldn't be in a room together for more than 10 minutes without fighting or plotting the next "sneak out"....suuuuuure we were supposed to be safe with you. But, instead of being a mature adult and understanding the situations for what they were in reality, you have given in to the "poor pity me" syndrome and as such, the false memories are now reality for you....
So if you want to hate my mother, hate her for finding God and wanting to raise you all as christians. That doesn't mean she was a saint or she was perfect. Being a christian IS NOT A CONFESSION OF PERFECTION! It is actually a realization that you are severely flawed and need Gods help with everything! Did she make mistakes, yes! I love my kids with all of my heart and soul and I make mistakes all of the time. The bottom line is, she married a man who was abusive, unfaithful and loveless. He wanted to find a babysitter for his children...and that he did. 


Placing the blame where it lies is crucial to healing. Therefore we will tackle the real issue here....
Our father is the real culprit for the childhood abuse. He was a raging alcoholic and when that was no longer an issue, his mood swings were unstable, unexpected and brutal. 

Wrapping a belt around your neck and proceeding to drag you around by that belt (even going up and down the stairs with you)...
That is abuse
Forcing you to eat your own feces
That is abuse
Using whatever weapon is around (plaque on the wall, coffee pot, loose bricks from the outside porch steps) to hit you with over and over again
That is abuse
Calling your name all excited like while youre happily playing outside (making you feel like he was going to play with you and you were so excited) only to literally kick you so hard that you flew off the porch and dang near broke your leg as you landed...
That is abuse

I could go on and on and get even more in depth but that kind of stuff should be saved for a therapist session instead so I will end it here. And I am not even going to touch on the abuse that went on because of the perversion that ran ramped in that man! Ya know what the worst part of all that is? He never claimed any of it. He was full of apologies. The "She made me do it...Im so sorry" seemed to be a theme...because he was incapable of owning up to his bad actions and would always find someone to point the finger at. He never apologized for what he was really responsible for. My mother was the easiest scapegoat and she suffered for that. See? this is part of my problem with you all. Instead of placing the blame where it lies, seeking God for help in forgiving, letting go and moving all want to still live as "victims" and whats worse is that not only have you not named the real perpetrator in all of this but you actively seek his approval and long for his love and affections!  He has never paid for his mistakes. He has never been made to even acknowledge his wrong-doings! He was able to make a new life built on lies and hey....thats ok because wether its in this life or on judgment day this man will be held accountable for the abuse that he dealt out to his children. All of us because
You weren't the only ones, ok?
You can't apologize for something that you say you never did. Therefore, none of us have any closure from him. 


You never stopped to think about what your lies did to me and my little sister, did you? You were so busy seeking out attention from everyone who would listen to your lies that you didn't even know the events you were setting into motion. And while I get that you had things whispered in your ear from other people (like your mother who was welcomed into my mothers home and then was caught *by my grandmother* in an affair with our father and she even had the audacity to tell some of you that SHE was your mother, not my mom...of course to plant seeds of discord to make my mother the enemy). You all should've been capable of knowing the truth but instead your lies separated my whole family. The lies you would run and tell his side of the family made them believe that my mother was to blame for the abuse in your lives. Maybe that was easier than admitting that one of their own was a demented narcissistic psychopath! I lost everyone I loved. I grew up closer to that family than my mothers family and after the divorce (and after the death of my beautiful grandparents), no one ever made any attempts at contacting me and my sister. Its like we no longer existed. You know why? Because my mother had taken the blame for it all and because of that, no one would reach out to her to see us. I was just a kid. How do you think it felt to lose my whole family and not understand why I wasn't wanted or loved anymore? This brings me to my final point....


The reason I am writing this is to address you without addressing you. I have tried (as an adult) to have relationships with you and you could definitely say that it blew up in my face. As a result of that, I don't feel like I can have a rational conversation with you so I am writing this open letter on my blog and maybe you'll stumble on it someday. Ive been contacted by one of you asking for a relationship. I cannot give you that. 
I hope you all can understand that a relationship isn't possible for us. I forgive you all for the things that you did. I honestly believe that you weren't aware (and have lived for so long in denial that you still may not be aware) of the pain and heartache that you've inflicted on my life, my sisters life and especially my mothers life. There has been no growth or change in behavior at all and its because of that we do not and can not have a relationship. I wish you no harm in your life. We are on different paths and at different places and we clearly believe different things. I do not want my children exposed to those traumatic types of situations (like when one of you called child protective services with horrible lies about my mother abusing us when I was 12 and my sister was 7 and we were almost taken away from her AND each other because you wanted to inflict pain on my mother...thankfully they were able to tell that we were most certainly not being abused and were able to go was a scary and traumatizing thing that I completely forgive you for but because of your behavior not changing and the mind sets still being the same, I won't open the door for that kind of trauma on my children...or myself for that matter)

I forgave my father a long time ago. I said my peace. I told him how I felt. I told him I forgave him. I apologized for my teenage disrespect (because no matter what, there is no excuse and 2 wrongs don't make a right) and I gave it to God. I choose to remember the good things about my father and I cherish the good things he taught me and everything else I just give to God. I feel the same for all of you. Unfortunately, I don't have any good memories with some of you but I do forgive you and any time I feel the way I felt last night when looking at a particular Facebook post, I pray and ask God to help me forgive and give it to him. Maybe you all don't realize why I feel the way I feel and maybe you don't care. This blog post was written so that I could explain without opening a new can of worms. 

Im not perfect. Sometimes I see things that jog a bad memory or give me a bad taste in my mouth. Sometimes I go as far as to call my best friend and rant about it. God is continuously working on me. This Facebook post affected me because I saw some comments from an old member of that family regarding how wonderful my grandparents were and something hurt me inside. They were special people for sure. I have the best memories of them. They were faithful, spiritual people who had the most awesome sense of humor! It just triggered memories that were a little hard for me to deal with but, again...Im praying and giving it back to God. 

I want to leave with one last thing....

Years ago, before her horrible and untimely death, our beautiful aunt called my mother and asked if she would come over for a visit and bring us with her. I was ecstatic because I missed her so much. She was the funniest person ever!! And her cooking....oh my goodness....YUM! but anyways, while we were there, my aunt apologized to my mom for everything that happened and she hugged her and said she knew my dad was mostly at fault for everything. That was the closure that my mom needed for sure and it helped me in my healing process as well. 

I am one of his children and therefore I am one of you. I just choose to live my life going forward and growing in life rather than gripping on to the past and harboring unforgiveness and resentment. I choose to live a life of happiness and family. I am extremely blessed in this life with a circle of people who I can trust and who are my family. We work together as a team. Thats how I want my life to be. I don't let people in my circle that could disrupt the flow of family and love. 

So, to answer your question, I pray that you find healing and restoration but I cannot have a relationship with you. 

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Its all about the love

This morning, I had a hard time getting into my praise and worship time. I was being mentally flooded with the most random thoughts and a sense of urgency that I had something else that I needed to be doing. I literally had to pray and ask God to take away whatever was in the way of me spending this time with him. I finally got into that realm where you feel like you are in the throne room and you are singing his praises and showing him your love with your voice....its a beautiful place to be. Got a little lost in it but when I came out of the meditation of it all, I just felt so rejuvenated and so ready for the day. I was just about to start my bible study of the day (I am just beginning the "entrusted" bible study series from Beth Moore) when I had the brilliant idea to go past that last song on Facebook to share the awesome praise music that I was just lost in. My thinking is that maybe someone will click on it and they will get to experience the love and peace and awesomeness of one on one time with God in song. 

I know most of the people on my list probably chalk it up to another of my 'religious' posts....maybe even with an eye roll inserted there. And can you blame them??

As soon as Im done clicking the "post" button, my newsfeed comes up and I have 2 breaking news posts from local news channels at the top of my newsfeed and they read....

"Authorities digging in the back yard of suspect involved in the missing persons case of....."
(sadly, I don't even know which missing person because there seems to be an extreme rise here lately in missing people, which is heartbreaking!)
"Flint Police officer in critical condition after being stabbed at local airport"

My heart sank....

then as I scrolled down a few, I see another little girl is missing and I just wanted to go back into my little praise bubble and shut it all off! I stopped asking God "why?" a long time ago because I finally got an answer.....God will not go against our will. He is not a puppeteer! He gave us our own will and unfortunately there are people who don't have good intentions...they don't have a will to do good and they operate in evil instead. Because of these people, we are all at risk of tragedies and heart break.

To me, the answer is simple....

Share with them that God is love! He made them and he loves them and all they need to do is believe.

Then I think on that for a minute and can't help but feel a little discouraged!

Christians have given Christ such a bad rep!! The judgment and hypocrisy is an epidemic in Christianity! We don't even need outside sources to tear us down because we are doing it to ourselves. You have denominations against denominations and pointing fingers and spreading guilt, shame and condemnation instead of the love that we are called to spread. It angers me...frustrates me...just makes me want to slap some people which I suppose isn't the healthiest way to feel but...
This world is in need of God now more than ever! This world needs real love spread around for EVERYONE! Shame on these christians for tearing down the church! I don't know what Bible people are reading these days but my Bible says, "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved."(--Romans 10:9-10)

That is what makes us "christians" and anything beyond that is just judgment! 

God deals with us on an individual basis and the Bible also says that he reveals to us what we need to have revealed. If someone says they are a christian, it doesn't mean they are means they are admitting that they are FAR FROM PERFECTION and they need God to save them and help them navigate life. WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT and the boat belongs to God so stop trying to throw people off without a freaking life jacket!! 
You cannot operate in love and spread hate and judgment. the Bible says, "There is therefore now NO condemnation for those that believe in Christ Jesus."(--Romans 8:1) So stop trying to bring people under condemnation. Realize that we "have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God"(--Romans 3:23) and "God is no respecter of persons"(--Acts 10:34)  He accepts us all! Once we realize this we will be able to love and accept others as well and THIS WORLD IS DYING AND NEEDS GODS LOVE! 
Seriously!! its time for us, as christians, to GET REAL!
Are you in or are you out?

The next step is figuring out how we are going to share this love with a world who thinks we are full of blasphemous crap? The change starts with us!!

Saturday, March 11, 2017

What's mine is theirs?

It's no secret to anyone that knows me that my husband loves to spoil me. He is always looking for the latest and greatest thing (mostly technology) and always showers me with things that he thinks will make my life easier and more fulfilled. 
What a lucky girl, right?

Yea, right!

Anyone ever seen Finding Nemo? The scene with all the seagulls screaming, "MINE...MINE...MINE...MINE"? This is my children when they see that I have something new, and hey my kids? They have the most amazing ability to sniff out new things! 
Never fails...

New earphones?

New bluetooth?

New phone?

New MacBook?

New screen cover?

New phone case?

New gadgets?

Even something that doesn't mean anything to them but is so big to me, such as....

New pens...

New books...

New markers...

And especially when he spoils me with treats, like....

Sherri's Berries

Olive Garden take out

Masri Sweets trays

or my all time favorite...
Lebanese sandwiches from Country Restaurant

I had to put the video with each new thing so you can fully grasp what Im dealing with here. I would love to have one...JUST ONE thing to myself but thats very rare around here and I guess its my fault, really. Although, I have to admit that things are actually getting better in this department. I have a cigar box filled with markers, pens and colored pencils that ~for the most part~ are mine and they don't touch. :) 
Anyways, a huge thank you to the hubby for spoiling me... maybe one of these days Ill get to enjoy the spoils 

For all you parents of grown children....
This does die down as they get out and on their own....
~please say yes!~