Monday, December 22, 2014

R.I.P. Bruce

This is going to be short and sweet....

After I wrote the previous post about my sweet Bruce...he took a turn for the worse.
Completely stopped responding to the meds, he had his final seizure that left him in a coma. The vet ended up putting him to sleep. No one wanted him to suffer.

I don't really have much to say about it other than I feel like a part of our family is missing. Its been 2 weeks and I still feel so sad. I miss his lovins. I say that I want another puppy quick....using the excuse that my son needs that kind of companionship~which he does~but I know that Im just trying to replace Bruce to fill the void he's left behind. However, no other puppy could be my bruce so Im just not really ready yet.

I emailed the breeder and she has yet to get back to me. That was well over a week ago. I knew in my gut that something wasn't right with this lady. I am going to go on the website I found her on and make sure I leave my experience on there with a low rating. People need to know that this woman sold me a dog with serious health problems that didn't even make it to 2!

I know it won't bring him back, but people need to know that their families are at risk for the same thing happening to them.

December 5, 2014
The day my poor baby Bruce left us.

Hope that he's in heaven playing with my Noelle.

I love you Big Boy Bruce Bear

Friday, December 5, 2014

My Special Needs Dog


Its 4:15am and Ive been up since 3 with my dog who appears to have had yet another seizure. He is on medication and i do not understand why this keeps happening. Heres the story on my Bruce...
my beautiful big boy
He is a newfoundland. Which I believe are the most beautiful dogs that ever existed. I found out about them 16 years ago and have been in love since. I got one about 8 years ago that I had to find an adopted home for when he was only a year old because the place we were moving to wouldn't allow his size dog (which I later found out everyone had I was kinda mad about it). I waited until it was the right time when I wouldn't have to worry about not being able to have a big dog, or afford it or have the time for him. When the time was right, I was on the hunt again.

After many many puppy pictures and breeder stories online, I found Bruce. I knew when I saw his picture that he was my baby. I called the breeder, talked forever and put my deposit down on my puppy. She sent me pictures of his growth and I was all too excited to go down to Ohio to pick up my baby.

He was PERFECT! The first few weeks were a little rough with the training. We were krate training him so there was a lot of poopy kennel cleaning, but he learned pretty quick and he's been a really easy dog. I have a major bond with him...he feels like one of my children, which is why my ass is sitting out here with him at all hours of the night....he needs his mama.

No, really. He will sit here and bark until I come sit with him. He loves his Jessie, too though.

A few months ago, out of the blue, Bruce started having seizures one night. at first it was just one...then a few hours later, another....then a few hours later another one....only now they were coming back to back and I had to take him to the animal hospital urgent care. With that and a couple trips to the vet, I was given the news that my Bruce was epileptic. They couldnt tell me why, but he is. So he has to stay on medicine for the rest of his life.

The breeder acts like she's never had a problem like this before....I don't buy it and I think she's full of shit! Im angry! I love my Bruce and I wouldn't take him back for anything. We are his family and we are where he belongs....but why MY dog? Why are all of his siblings ok and my dog is not?

He's not supposed to be having these seizures while he is on his medicine, but alas, he is. I will have to call the vet in the morning and update him. Thats 2 seizures in 2 weeks, that just seems to be too much. Im scared that they are going to try to put him down. Apparently, they can play around with the medicines and change dosages to see what helps him better.....I just hope that they can help him soon before something horrible happens. I don't want to lose my Bruce. He's not even 2 years old yet.

Any and all prayers are appreciated.

My poor puppy!

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

The Key To Success

I believe I have found the key to a womens sense of self and freedom.

No, seriously....

I have a few best friends, one in particular that I spend a lot of time with. People always think we are up to no good when I say that we get together at night and quite often, I don't get home til 3am....sometimes earlier but most of the times later. I know that sounds odd. What would a mom of 6 be doing out so late, especially when she has to wake up to get her kids off to school in the morning? 

The Answer?

Taking advantage of this uninterrupted time to get some ME time

No seriously! You wait until the kids are cuddled in the bed and you head on out. ~and why has no one thought of this before now??

~before you go calling CPS on my ass, please know that as of right now, I am lucky enough to have 3 adults at home at night so Im not leaving my children alone.....BUUUT if there were no adults at home, I would definitely do it...and heres long as the oldest kids are old enough and responsible, ~youre gonna wanna write this down....
you take one of their cell phones (this step might just be the hardest) and call your own phone (if you're going to be a while, you put it on the charger) then you keep your bluetooth on, just like a baby monitor....

Course, it helps when my bff is less than a mile away. ~doin a happy dance

Our nights of coffee and cigarettes and chatting (C.C.C.) are most definitely needed. 

Then I came home to reality at 2am...

Meaning laundry is piled up, dishes are everywhere, floor hasn't been mopped and the counters have food all over them! ~reality check

Pretty sure I told the oldest 2 to make sure they split the chores and had it all done because I had been bustin my ass all day long and I was D-O-N-E for the night. Or so I thought but it is now 4am and I am just now done with the dishes. 

Im not mad but I am falling over on this Macbook of mine. ~need sleep now

My blog is like a journal, if you will. Im just recording my journey. You don't have to like me or even agree but this is what works for me!

Pretty mad at the kids but nothing that a little charting can't do ~ie chore charts, bible charts (bwahahahahahaha I am so evil)

Hope it works

Also, a little inspiration for today...

Have an exceptional day today everyone 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

What Are We Listening To?

I have managed to avoid the 50 shades of grey phenomenon....not going to lie, at one point I thought I wanted to read it... however!!

Somewhere between then and now, my daughter started changing into a young woman and Ive been having to chase off boys and deal with this transition into YOUNG womanhood and let me tell you something.....


After watching a clip on tv (of the movie) I thought....'wait, what??' and I decided to go to wikipedia for a quick version of the book...a synopsis, if you will.


My God! What if Ana was your daughter???? What if she had a "Christian"?

I just had a family meeting where I informed the kids (after hearing a song on the radio that I am still in shock over) that there would be no more...if a song talked about degrading, objectifying and disrespecting women,
I am fighting to raise boys into men, girls into women. I want my boys to treat women (ALL WOMEN) with respect. I don't want them to objectify women! I don't want my daughter to fall into the trap of allowing herself to be treated any way other than RESPECTED!

What has happened to this society???

"Truffle Butter" Drake and Nicki Minaj
disgusting! Parents, if you don't know the urban dictionary for this one...beware.....its totally changed the game up for me.

"I dont f**k with you" by our local Big Sean
He calls this woman every name in the book and this whole song is nothing but degrading her, putting h er down and cussing her out.

"Don't tell em" Jeremih
The whole song is encouraging a woman to cheat on her man with also suggests that we, as women, have absolutely no self control and are lacking in any morals at all because all we need is a hot guy with money and we are cheating ho's!

"I don't mind" Usher
the same ole cliche...encouraging women to be strippers...after all, she's making that money so he don't mind...

I am guilty of listening to this! Im guilty of allowing my children to listen to this. I am guilty of not taking the time to really think about what it is that I am allowing into my kids lives. Do I want my daughter to grow up thinking so low of herself? She is just a sex object for every mans gratification? Do I want to raise sons who are disrespectful and abusive to women? I am not saying this music makes you do these things BUT when you have a steady flow of this message, be it music or movies or whatever (because its EVERYWHERE...we become desensitized and its like its no big deal.

Enough is enough on this one

Friday, June 6, 2014

Must Be That Time...Again

Do you ever get the feeling that 'this ain't it'?

I should be happy, right?
and I am...
for the most part.

I dont know what its going to take. I dont understand whats wrong with me or why I have to think so much! Starting to realize how truly my father ruined my life. 

I am not the kind of person who blames others for mistakes that I clearly made on my own. However, I see now what the impact of parenting can really do. It molds your thinking. Think about it just for a minute....
If you are hurt as a child, by the very 2 people who you depend on for life, for love, for shelter....for everything, then what does that teach you? It teaches you that love and hurt go together. 
Am I wrong?

And if heaven is a place of no tears, which do I not only believe but highly anticipate, then would it be ok for me to have a few of the hard answers now?
Just let me in on the grand scheme of things so there is no more wondering about who I am, who I should be, what I was made for and if I am fulfilling the purpose, and Im assuming since I have life, there is a purpose. 

I think Im just having a down day. 
Lacie has had a rough couple of days and shes getting bigger now, shes maturing even if it is at a slow pace. At least she is maturing but I cant help but want these questions answered. 

Was it something I did?
Was it something he did?
Was it something we couldve prevented or fixed?
Was this how you meant for her to be?
Why cant you just help her start talking? 
I accept that she is special in your eyes, just as special as all of us (maybe even a lil more lol) but why didnt you provide a way for me to help her more??
And the most important ones...
Is she going to be happy with her life? 
Is she going to be ok?
Will she ever talk?
Will she be able to fall in love and get married?
Will she ever be able to have children?

Yep, Im definitely having a down day. 
Gonna just stop here and refocus my energy on something productive :)

Hmm, maybe Ill clean up and take a shower lol

Friday, May 30, 2014

The Final Conclusion (part 2)

I was going to get in this whole story of how its been the past year but Ill sum it up as this...

He met a girl on Facebook, met her in person just a few days later (with her kids in tow) and then moved in less than a week. Quit his job the day he moved in (cus she is a paralegal and he thinks hes hit the jackpot). 
Not a shocker at all.

What is a shocker, though? 
He repeated the EXACT same mistakes he made with me. He talked this woman into moving back to his hometown. Once he was there, it didnt take him long to get back on the drugs.

He did the same thing...
Ended up owing people money, quitting his job (getting fired cus he never worked) and they had to leave in a hurry to back to her home on a trip that was paid for by her mother and now for the past 2 or 3 months has been sober and living with her mom. 

Once I found out he was back on drugs I cut ties between he and Lacie and was pretty convinced I wouldnt let him back in. It is NOT fair to put her through this!! She is a special needs child for Gods sake! The only reason I allowed him back into the picture is because he started taking medication for anxiety and depression and was actually a much more calm and friendly person again. 

Everything was going good....a little too good. He and I were actually trying to forget the past and build as friends. He said he was sorry and took some of the blame (which was way better than before, it was all my fault of course) and I was stupid enough to believe that he changed.

He showed his true colors again a few weeks ago when we got into an argument and he flipped from the nice guy he was pretending to be, back into himself again! He was screaming, yelling, throwing out horrible obscenities directed both at me and too me. Threatening and saying stupid things. Making excuses for it all and saying that I was acting jealous and that this was about my control issues. Let me please explain the argument...

Lacie is used to seeing him on Skype. She only skype's to see him now and she knows how to push the button to call him. When it doesnt work, she goes into a mini fit. Depending on how quickly she can get it to work, or how efficiently I can distract her, this fit can actually worsen and turn into something bigger and when that happens, its not a good night for her. So, its the end of  the school year and we have events, ceremonies, parties, volunteering and sooooo many things to do. Our schedule is NUTS! 

Because of this, I only had a 20 minute window (that I was late on so it wouldve been more like a 10-15 minute window) and I let him know that she was available for Skype (what he didnt know is that I didnt think he was going to say no because I knew he was at home, so I sat her down and opened up the computer and she was already pulling up skype). He told me it was his time to skype his girlfriend for her hour long lunch break and I literally sat there like.....

Just dumbfounded...
He knows she gets upset. He knows this is the only time (in a period of a few days) that we are actually at home and can skype! )

What he doesnt understand is that I am her middle man. I am her voice. Not only does she sit down, but I have to sit down too and make sure I communicate anything....also, she gets bored easily and will press the end button. I try to make her show respect by at least letting us know shes ready to end it, rather than just hanging up on him. All he had to do was work with me for this last month of school...

and he lived with me for 5 years so he knows what its like at this time of the year. He chose to skype with his LIVE-IN girlfriend rather than take 10 minutes out of it for his daughter. 

I was furious and thats how this whole thing got started. 

But ya know what? Im glad it did!!

He showed me that he will never change. 
2 hours!!
thats how long it took me to get her back to feeling herself. She went into full sensory overload! I expressed my anger and concern and he thought I was just being controlling and trying to ruin he and his girlfriends lunch dates! 

And thats when the attacks came! 
I just couldnt do it!! 
I refuse!
My daughter does NOT need these up and downs with him. One minute hes mr nice guy, wanting to clean up his act. The next he is back to the monster that scares everyone because hes so unstable and mean, you really have no clue what hes capable of. And weve seen some pretty scary how can that be trusted at all. 
Not to mention, I am not going to live in fear and negativity. anymore. Its done! 

He wants his rights to her without going to court? Complete anger management and get into mental health counseling and we will talk. Otherwise see you in court! 

Lacie is NUMBER 1!!! 
That is that! 

Ive already hired an attorney. Actually, I say I hired him but in all honesty....a very old friend hired him for me. I could never afford this guy. But, SHOOKRAN, HAYATT! Youll never know how thankful I am for that! I hope to God that I dont need him. I hope he does the right thing and gets some treatment for whatever these issues are with him. 

But just in case, Im ready! 

Friday, May 23, 2014

The Beginning of the End (part 1)

I remember a time when he came home all banged up with a black eye, telling me that he had been beaten up and was in trouble. 
This was the last straw and we moved. 

He later confessed that it was his own self who did that to his face and he did it so that I wouldn't find out that he had, once again, taken my money and landed at the crack house. 
I was just so confused. I didn't know why I was staying with him. I kind of felt like if I left, he would surely die and that would be on my hands because I didn't stay around too fix him. I stayed out of fear for his life. I was in such denial, in such a lonely and low place in my life that I never even stopped to think about my children and what this was doing to them. I thought that I hid it well. Only 2 people knew. One was his grandmother and the other my niece, because she was the only one I could trust. 

This is what the first two years was like. 

I expected it to be like when we were together as teens. He was supposed to be my hero again. He was supposed to make me feel so loved that all the bad would disappear. I was looking to solve my problems with a problem itself. 

The next 3 years were hell.

A sober baby daddy was even worse than a cracked out baby daddy. He was on that stuff for 10 years so when he got off (which he only did by force, not because he wanted to) it wasn't pretty. He went through phases and they were very violent. It was like a mental hell. I would wake up in the morning and just pray that today would be a good day. I would try to do things for him that I knew he would like. Simple things like making biscuits and gravy so he would wake up in a good mood. 

Now, you don't stay with someone for 3 years if there are no good times at all. Sometimes he was ok. Sometimes he was extremely passionate (we never had any problems in the bedroom). Sometimes, we laughed and cut up and had a good time. Sometimes he would play with the kids and everything was ok. But those times became fewer and fewer! It had physically escalated a few times. He choked me a few times, one time banging my head against the floor. The mental, emotional and verbal abuse had risen to an all time high and pretty soon the good days were gone. It was like living in jail. I couldn't even go to the grocery store without him thinking I was doing something. My kids were always too loud, too annoying, too this or too that. The only thing he liked them for was basketball....he loved to play basketball and although his back wasn't good enough to ever get a job, it was good enough to play basketball with a bunch of youngin's. He also liked them when they wanted to play with him or watch him play the xbox basketball game. Aside from that, they were just annoyances to him. 

I'm not sure what the breaking point was for me but something happened. I started seeing things the way they were instead of the way I wanted them to be. My kids started opening up to me and they were afraid of him. I wont say which ones but 2 of them came to me one night crying. They wanted him out because they were scared he was going to do something to me and to them. 

That was the reality!

Things had gotten so bad that my children are living in fear every day! I knew I had to do something...I talked to their father and told him what was going on. He asked me if I wanted him to handle it but I knew that wouldn't produce good results and since he was the financial provider of our home, I definitely didn't want him going to jail. I told him I would handle it. I had a meeting with my children one day. I sat them down and told them that I was going to be making him leave and they all agreed on it. The only one who had a hard time with it was my youngest son. He loved him and he was only 2 when baby daddy came along so to him, this had become the normal way of living. I have spent many nights crying about that. I still have so much guilt inside of myself. I will never understand how I didn't see the damage that was being done to my children. I thought I was doing everything I could to keep them stable. Their father and I had done everything in our power to make sure they knew that just because he and I didn't work out as a couple, didn't mean we weren't a family. So, they are all well rounded when it comes to me and the hubs. But they have issues stemming from the whole experience of baby daddy.

The next 2 years were spent trying to get rid of him. 

Like the trash that he had become to me, I wanted him out! 
I succeeded in getting him out. The first time was about 6 months. He came back supposedly a changed man who just wanted his family. Hey, and the first few weeks he was back it was like answered prayers! Everything was great. You could tell he missed everyone and was appreciative of us all. It was fun and happy but it never lasted more than 3 weeks and it was right back to the hell. This happened 4 more times before it was the final straw. 

I was about to play the same ole role and let him come back again, when my friend sent me a picture message that said, "this is what hes doing behind your back".  It was him with another girl. I finally realized what I was doing and that was it. After that, I turned into a teenage drama queen. I wanted revenge. I kept talking to him and making him think he was coming home and I was waiting for the right moment to do something that I knew would hurt him. Instead of allowing myself to heal and move on, I stayed in the game just to hurt him. 

Only, it didn't feel like I wanted it to. I actually felt bad because this was not just a one time thing. I had fallen in love with him. I was so scared about the whole thing because I had been through SO MUCH over that 7 years with baby daddy and I was convinced that God wanted me to be single. 

and by the way

I loved being single!! It was amazing. When baby daddy was gone, I learned how to love myself and my life. I changed so many things and we fixed up our schedules and were having so much fun. Life was happy, again! My kids were laughing and not living in fear every day. We were free! 

In the past year, the kids have told me stories of things he did that affected them. My poor Jessie was already in counseling over it all but I could see that perhaps everyone would benefit from it. Some of them only needed it for a little while. Jessie is still in it and will remain in it, especially in the light of recent events and this big decision that was made a few days ago. 

And now on to part two....

Friday, May 9, 2014

Introducing the World's Cutest Ever Nephew!!

This is my baby Hank

He is the long awaited and highly anticipated first child of my baby sister, Stephanie.

The pictures really speak for themselves but just so you know, he is the happiest and cutest baby ever! I get to see him all the time and as you can see...
he and I have quite the bond.
He loves his aunt Shellzz.
See for yourself

i was there

seriously how cute is he

he cuddles right up on me

hes gonna look  back and no how much his shellzz loved him

sometimes I even get to do bathtime!
that smile though!!

just like me when I was lil (and his mama lol sorry steph)

so excited to see his shellzz

as soon as he hears my voice....hes lookin :)

the giant smile that stops everything for a moment to fill you up!

more pictures shellzz??

watchin the red wings with his Papa....thatta boy!
cuddled up again

he LOVES jessie! definitely his fave right now

hangin out with kayla aka lil mama

do you see how freakin strong and smart he is??
already a genius!

most precious lips and cheeks ever!

Still cuddles on his shellzz!!

As you can see, I love this child more than I thought was even possible! He is amazing

Baby Hank,
You are a lucky guy! You have been born into a family that adores you and will be here through everything you ever go through. I will be your best friend for life and I will be the best aunt ever! I cant wait to watch you grow. I love you soooooo much!

to my Sissy and her huby for making this amazingly perfect little boy!