Sunday, February 11, 2018

Sunday Confessionals: Never Too Much

I feel like the worlds worst blogger. I have been so incredibly busy...I've had no time at all to blog. Actually, I'm supposed to be doing 3 things right now and one of those things includes church so I have to hurry. There is a second service in 2 more hours so I'm not too hurried.

SHOUT OUT 
to the best church ever at Elevation Church!
(if you can't click on that pic for a link..its
~if you don't have a church or cant get there, try them out~


So, first the important things...


NEW JOURNEY
I've decided to partner up with a friend and go into the real estate business. I'm going to be taking the course and state exam soon so I should hopefully be licensed by the end of March. We are going to be flipping houses and I'm praying that this brings into fruition, everything that I am thinking it can. I don't think I've been this excited about anything. Actually, it's almost a too good to be true feeling that I'm having lol. Nothing in my life is this easy...
EVER!
And y'all know that, so I'm kinda waiting for something. 
Just send your prayers and wish me luck! 


THE BOOK
I stopped being a paying member of AllPoetry and have started taking them down one by one. It's almost like the end of an era for my poetry but at the same time, it's the end of an era in my life, too. I'm smiling so big right now. If I didn't look like I stuck my finger in a socket and have yesterdays makeup smeared all over my face ~don't judge me~
I would take a picture. Yea, no thanks! Anyways, I have categorized all the poems that are going into the book and I have officially begun the editing phase. I can't lie, this week I haven't done much with editing because I've been engrossed in learning everything I possibly can about this new business venture. 
Don't worry...I am definitely still on track for my release and this IS happening! My loyal AP followers would be so mad at me if I didn't. I would be mad at myself. It's the story I've been trying to get out of me for a long time. Which brings me to....



HINDSIGHT
is 20/20 right? Because of the book and all of the sorting and editing I've had to do as of late, I've been in a dejavu. I have to read them as I go along and I feel like I'm being taken on a journey of a girl I can't remember fully. Oh, don't get me wrong, I remember her. I just don't remember why she was so sad...what was it that she wanted? I don't remember but that's because I feel like I've been reborn! I am physically getting my strength back. To come from being bedridden to driving around to my girls house is soooo much awesome sauce! I am not one to hold on to regrets. I believe that everything ~and I do mean everything~ that we go through as humans, no matter what age we are has the chance to either make us or break us. I also believe that it's a choice and you can CHOOSE to let it make you! Use it to become stronger and adjust your sails for a better sea! Lately I've been smacked in the face with the realization that even with all the hard times, pain and heartache...I am blessed! God has always been with me working behind the scenes and look at me. I know now that the most important thing of all is love. In every area! Love physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally...it's all about love and through it all, I have ALWAYS been blessed with love. I feel untouchable! Gods love, husbands love, my kids love, my family and friends love...I'm surrounded by love and I get to love again. No more anger, hurt, resentment...
IT'S A NEW ME, YA'LL

so that's whats going on with me.

Oh, lol in other news...
get ready for the gossip, y'all.

the ex--the one whom I have FINALLY managed to be rid of is a m-e-s-s!!
Oh lord, where do I start? Fresh out of jail (November), marries a drug rehab counselor (HOW? How is this man still pullin' **s?) and within a few weeks was already on the run and calling me for shelter and money.  I literally sat there with the phone in my hand, so dumbfounded that I couldn't speak. And when I did, I laughed! 

**Might this be where I add a big fat CONGRATULATIONS to the Mrs! I mean, how good were you at your job? So good and you must be on the journey of a lifetime. After the sarcasm subsides, Ill pray for you girl. mmm mmm mmm**

Was laughing the right way to go about it? Probably not, but what kind of stupidity is this? How many times, in how many ways do I need to make it clear that I am not interested in his life at all. I just reminded him that he gave up any right to my life when he said he was too selfish to be a father. 
D-O-N-E!
Anyways, now he's on the local most wanted list. He's on the run with multiple warrants...
probation violation
domestic assault
~3 of those~
Just goin' places, ain't he? Mmm Mmm Mmm I honestly can't believe that I actually...Lord, just don't go there. I'm a new me LOL

Yep
So that's whats going on with me. I've had some of y'all asking about Zabe's health...he is learning how to navigate this. He still has headaches and tummy aches and they still don't know why. They just know that he has severe anxiety...crippling. My poor baby. He's getting better though. He's my buddy. Last night after everyone went to bed, he and I stayed up together and chilled to our favorite Arabic music on low and just talked and laughed for 2 hours. He's the coolest kid in the world, I swear! Thank you all so much for your prayers and kind words. I read them all to him and he loves it. He feels like part of our 'clique'! 

Well, I hope everyone has had a great weekend with their fam's and happy Sunday y'all! 

Monday, January 22, 2018

I've Been Bitten

by the writing bug.
 I just can't stop writing! 
This feels a little deja vu and I'm loving it! 


I started by writing poetry again. It just started flowing out of me. So many poems that I started thinking ~seriously~ about writing a book again. I talked about it to my sister and she was very encouraging and even offered me some info about her sister in law being a ghost writer. That just reignited the embers that were burning from this flame that started years ago.

BAM

Here I am! I am currently taking a few creative writing classes online (still continuing my psych studies). One in particular that I've fallen in love with is by the author Emily Gould. The 10 day journaling process that she starts with has been so inspirational and it's given me so many ideas. I cant wait til it's over and I can sift through it all to see what I put together.

Then, once I'm done with this class, I am going to take James Patterson's "masterclass", which I am so so excited to take.


My goal is to have 2 books published by the end of the year...
1-novel and 1-childrens book.
All illustrations will be done by my bestie, Cindi. 

I will share more as it progresses. I seriously can't wait to see what happens. This is something I've wanted to do since I was a teenager...which is too long ago to count the years so just don't try.

With that, I am off to continue writing.
Happy Monday, Y'all 




People Change


Today is going to be a multiple post kind of day. This topic depresses me but I wanted to battle through it because it's been kind of prevalent in my life the past few weeks. 

My kids friends are like family to us. I've always been the mom that houses them all. They come to my house to hang out and spend the night...sometimes many nights in a row. It was important for me to lay a good foundation for these kids to trust me and be open with me so I can help them navigate through tough times. They really are like my adopted kids. A few of them are/were so close that there families and my family became a big happy family. One in particular, that I've actually written about here in this blog before, was so close to us. He and my son met in 2nd grade and immediately became inseparable. I didn't think anything would come between them. Our families had so many great times together...
but the boys grew up and went in different directions. 

The reason that I've thought about this now is because he has reached out to me in the hopes of reconnecting with me and wanting to come over for the night. While I have no problem with this at all because I truly love this kid, my son isn't interested and it hurts my heart. This son of mine is very stern in his convictions. He will not associate with people who drink, smoke, party or anything like that. I try to help him understand that God loves us all....hates the sin, but loves us all and no matter what we are supposed to show his love to everyone. What this friend needs right now is to be loved because he's made some mistakes and he thought the new friends he made would be there through those rough times but they fell away, one by one. There were things that happened between him and my son that were hard for both of them. I know my son was hurt but I also know that this friend must've been hurt too. I see both sides. When I tried to talk to my son about it, he said that he was uncomfortable around this friend now and didn't think spending the night was a good idea. Also, this friend did some shady things to one of my other sons (again we were all close at one point but what he did to my other son kind of started the wedge). 

So, he sent me a message this morning on twitter and I was looking through his page and was just left with this sinking feeling of, 'aww, why did he choose this path?? it's so lonely and dark'. I didn't realize I said it out loud until my mother replied with, "people change, my dear". And that's the answer. 

People change


It sucks when the change brings separation. It happens so often and it's a rough process. The worst part is looking back on such fond memories of those people. It's like you want to reach out and say, "I miss you", but it wouldn't do any good. The person that you knew doesn't exist anymore. 


It's a form of grief...
A twisted kind of grief
Normally, when someone dies, you go through a mourning period and eventually you learn to adjust to life without that person. You get to keep the memories and hopefully remember them fondly. Not in the death of a friendship/relationship. 
It's like an actual death of something only you still see that person. It's hard to grasp. Things can't just be the same as they always were because things and people change. So, you have to learn to let go while they are still right there. It's hard and it sucks. What's even worse is when one or both parties hold on to hope that one day things might get back to what they were...or at the least you can reunite and mend the bridges between you to be able to start over. Hoping for a person to feel something for you because you still feel something for them is ROUGH! Friendship, relationship, family...it doesn't matter because its all the same emotions. 


Leaving thought?
I want to apologize to anyone that I may have hurt, offended or even left behind as a result of changing myself.  If you know me at all, at any time in my life, you will know that I hate hurting people and I can say that I've never intentionally disregarded or hurt anyone so if you ever feel like I did, I truly apologize. 

Alright, that's enough depression for the day lol

Sunday, January 21, 2018

Scatterbrained Sunday

So, I wanted to do a Sunday confessional but I'm not sure if I'll end up having the time. Instead, I wanted to give you all a little comedic relief before getting into church this morning. I don't know if y'all have heard of this guy or not but he is 
H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S!!!
His comedy is extremely sarcastic and witty...
just the way I like it. 
So if you needed a laugh today, and let's face it...who doesn't? then give it a listen. I'll post a few of them. 

Jp Sears "Phone Etiquette"

JP Sears "If meat eaters acted like vegans"


Happy Sunday everyone!! Time to get my praise on. 

Friday, January 19, 2018

I HATE AUTISM!!

...with a passion!

I just spent the last hour and a half trying to comfort my inconsolable daughter who was silently sobbing to the point of having difficulty breathing. I tried so hard to get her to let me know what was going on...
"show mama with your signs, baby...you don't have to talk, just show me, can you show me?
as she holds her hands over her ears. 

All the lights were turned off, no tv, no radio, no sounds other than me desperately going through her "soothing" songs on her iPad on a low volume but nothing was helping. 

"Please, Lou Lou, mama doesn't know what to do to help you and I don't want you to hurt. You have to tell me what's wrong so I know how to help you, baby"

The only thing I knew for sure was that she wanted me to lightly stroke her arm and hand because any time I stopped, she reached for my hand and made me keep going. 
And I gladly did it until she had enough, but it didn't soothe her pain enough to stop the meltdown. 

I would love to be able to video these meltdowns so I can find out if anyone else has them so I can maybe see what works for others? I see so many videos of the temper tantrums and violent meltdowns but Lacie doesn't do that. She does these silent, heart breaking cries that just tear you up inside. 

Anyways, I held her for some of it. Then she sat next to me in my rocking chair and we rocked for the entire meltdown. She was so red faced and exhausted at the end of it but she cracked a smile and gave me kisses before getting up. That smile after a meltdown...it's one of the best things ever in life! 

As I watched her go to her "spot" with her iPad and toy basket (she has a collection of toys that she keeps in a laundry basket so she can drag it around everywhere she goes 😂) I knew she was ok, but I had to meditate for a few minutes. I was drained and emotional. I get angry at God in these times. I know, I know...who am I to get angry at God, but I do. I just want to know why. Why was she born this way and why can't anyone find and cure it? Why is autism so prevalent in our world today? Growing like a wildfire and no one has what's needed to extinguish it, which brings me to my last thought...

I'm still in the autistic mommy group, I very rarely engage in it. A few years ago, I watched a conversation get pretty heated. It was 2 sides just going at each other. One side believed that we should be doing everything necessary to find a cure for autism and the other side was completely the opposite. Rather than try to cure it, we should embrace it as unique and beautiful and concentrate on doing everything we can to educate people and promote tolerance. 

I. JUST. CANT.

The latter side uses a book that's written by a young man who has autism and it's all about how he's embraced it and he wouldn't change having autism for anything because it makes him who he is.


WELL THATS JUST GREAT FOR YOU!! 
YA WANT A COOKIE?

"Omg she's so mean and insensitive"

Not any more than all of you assuming that autism is a positive thing for everyone just because it's good for you!
What about others? Like my poor Lou! She didn't ask for this! She didn't wish to be born in a condition that imprisons her and isolates her. She wants sooooo badly to talk sometimes but just trying to communicate is a HARD thing for her to do. It sends her into a meltdown more times than not. And what about these meltdowns? The ones that are so hard all she can do is cry her way through. It's not fair! She is such an angel. She finds beauty and happy in the simplest things and has the sweetest demeanor ever but she struggles so much in life. 

IT'S NOT OK
IT'S NOT FAIR
IT'S NOT RIGHT
I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EMBRACE IT
I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO 

and so I put my money towards a cure. I pray to God even when I am angry and asking him why this happened to my little girl...to ANYONE in this world. I plead with him to help them find the cause and cure. and to any of you judgmental @$$holes that dont think I should? 


How dare you say that I should accept and embrace something that stolen my daughters ability to live a life free from the fear of EVERYTHING...something that leaves her in a mental prison that breaks her down!
I love my daughter with the purest love I have ever experienced. 
That's all I got 

Plumb-In My Arms

Monday, January 15, 2018

The one and only~Dolores O'Riordan

My heart is heavy today. 
Dolores O'Riordan passed away this morning in London.
For those of you that don't know, she is the lead singer of The Cranberries.


My kids make fun of me for being so emotional but I dont think they understand what an integral role music has played in my life. Maybe I should be happy that they dont because for me, music was a getaway from the things that were going on around me and 95% of it was never good. The Cranberries got me through a very rough time as a teenager. Even as a young married mom...locking myself up and singing my lungs out to the incomparable Dolores O'Riordan.

If nothing else can be said than other than this, then let it be said and ring its truth in echo of her life...
No one used their God given instrument the way that she did and with a fierce passion. There has never been anyone like her and there never will be. I pray that her family be comforted in this time of loss. 

"Everybody Else is Doing It, Why Can't We"

"No Need To Argue"


Friday, January 12, 2018

"Mom, remember when....?"

Picture this...

I'm sitting here at my desk, writing up a storm. I have my 'mood set' music on in my earphones but with only one of them in so I can hear the kiddos. I don't care how old they get, I never get tired of hearing them cuttin' up together.

HOWEVER

Yesterday, they were particularly feisty. They kept bringing up old times that were so funny to them, they couldn't stop laughing! 
Then it happened...

"Hey, mom! Remember when **** peed in the closet?"

"UHH....NO! What do you mean, he peed in the closet?"

"Yes, you remember...you were so upset because you found a plastic cup in the closet with pee in it? You were sooooo mad! You went on a mad hunt trying to find out who it was? You don't remember that? Pretty sure you even cried that day"

and they all break out in laughter! Actually, when they first said something about it, I didn't remember. It took them going into detail about it for me to remember. Isn't it funny how the brain works that way? I forget so much but that's ok. There's a lot of stuff that I don't want to remember and I could've gone without this disgusting memory but they were in need of a good confession, I guess. The memories they just kept coming.


Obviously, I stopped writing for a few minutes so they had my undivided attention. Some of the things coming up were absolutely hilarious that I actually remembered....vividly. 
Some of them were gross...I won't go into details because my kids will probably kill me for that but some of these stories literally had me wanting to vomit.

But then there was one that reminded me exactly of how amazing these kids really are.


"Hey guys, remember that one night when it was raining and mom said we could set up tents in the living room and all camp out together but we ended up all in her bed?"

"Man, I don't know how she put up with us all in her bed, but I loved those nights"

"Yea, I remember that night. Ku woke us up and said mom wasn't feeling well and didn't want us to know so we all pretended to be scared of the rain so we could snuggle up with her"

"Oh yea! I do remember that. I don't remember what was wrong with her but she was crying and..."

then Ku steps in and says, 
"Ok...ok....enough of that. Hey, mom? Can you help me with the new quarter's schedule?"

I said, "Kubear, what are they talking about? It's ok to talk to me about whatever it is. I remember the night you guys are talking about because I found it really strange that all of you were suddenly scared of the rain, and there wasn't even thunder or lightening! What happened that I missed?"

"Ku and I were supposed to be sleeping but we had the laptop in the tent and we were watching movies when Ku heard you sniffling so he went to see what was going on and he said you were laying there crying. He felt bad and he knew you wouldn't want us to know you were crying so he woke everyone up and made a plan to go in your room to cuddle with you so you weren't lonely."


I sat there for a second and I couldn't help it but tears came in my eyes. Ku got mad that they told me because he thought it upset me. I have to admit, it hurt me to know that they ever saw me crying and were feeling that they needed to do something to 'make me better' but to know I have kids that know me well enough to know that I would pretend as if I was only getting a cold with sniffles...and they made up a story just to make me feel better...

I reassured Ku that I wasn't upset at all. I was deeply touched by how well he knew me and how much they all loved me. I told them that on this particular night, I fell asleep for a very short time and had a dream that made me a little sad. I was crying about the dream but the minute they came into the bed, my heart was full and I forgot all about the dream. 

So let em talk about all the gross and oh so hilarious things they did behind my back that they now think they can share with me...
I have so many memories of these kids making my life better. Filling up my heart, my schedule and my daily routine with smiles, laughter and love is what got me through some of my toughest times. I don't know where I would be without them. 

So to my teenage brats who I've done nothing but complain about, lately....

I love you all with everything I am. 
You filled my life with love and fun. I wouldn't trade you guys for anything and I am so lucky that God chose me to be your mom...

and Kumayl, my perfect one, thank you. I will always love and support you no matter what. The day you were born changed my life in ways you will never know. You saved me Kubear. My day 1